flora's musings on whatever lies beneath the sun

drama queens need not apply

2010-08-01T18:29:39Z

that klonopin? is SO a sleeping pill. why didn't my psych prescribe me xanax when i asked for it? stupid bitch. i have soma, too, but am on my last pill. will save it for a rainy day.

so, i "broke up" with a female coworker. i was getting tired of her drama queen bullshit and pushing my buttons. she was just an "extraneous person" in my life; we were just thrown together by circumstance, mostly because we ate in the kitchen at the same time every day. i often irritated her with my incessant questions and argumentative nature, and she irritated me with her snotty behavior and incessant eye rolling and talking in this high, annoying voice as if to point out, "I'm HERE, you need to LISTEN to me!" ANNOYING.

buh BYE. and good riddance!

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florabella @ 2008-09-01T00:39:00

2009-05-25T15:22:46Z

(originally dated mon., sept. 1, 2008, 9:39 a.m.)

i continue to be fat. i still fit in my size 12 pants that i wear for work, and have not gone up any sizes, but they are a bit snug around the ass though a bit loose in the waist. (i'm a pear, suitable for eating).

i am sick of summer. it's coming to a close, though, and hopefully will find me feeling much better, with trying an antidepressant for the first time in my life. i've been in denial for far too long about my depression (which i've self diagnosed as dysthymia) and i'm not getting any younger and i just want to feel better. that's all. if i feel better, i wouldn't be so fat. i know this.

the city of los angeles is going mad. i blame it on the economy. there have been robberies on my street. the sneaky asses pretended to be moving, when really they were robbing three apartments next to each other. in broad daylight. no one suspected anything because people move in and out on this street all the time. all of the apartments on this street are month to month leases. this area is becoming ghettoized.

i don't feel safe anymore.

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doctor, doctor

2009-05-25T15:21:13Z

(originally dated feb. 17, 2008, 6:08 p.m.)

at the doctor's last week, he was so concerned about my weight gain that he insisted i take a cholesterol test. i told him i would take it again in six months, when i come for my next appointment for my levoxyl refill. i didn't have the heart to tell him that i just didn't give a fuck about my cholesterol level. i just don't... care!

this afternoon, i watched "the sea inside." i cried and cried. javier bardem is a fuckin' fabulous actor. i believe him every time i see him on screen.

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okcupid

2009-05-25T15:20:07Z

(originally dated mon., jan. 14, 2008, 6:36 p.m.)

i'm not in love with anyone. no one likes me that way. i signed up on okcupid but i'm not getting messaged by the guys i'm interested in save for this old fat guy that i've been talking to. he is very unattractive to me and i don't think he's funny at all. he has commercials on myspace. YUCK! i have stopped responding to his emails. i hope he gets the hint.

it is getting harder and harder to go into work now. i don't know how much longer i can take this.

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rain

2009-05-25T15:17:48Z

(originally dated jan. 3, 2008, 11:43 a.m.)

a storm is coming. will rain all through next week. our earth is definitely parched and we need it.

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happy new year!

2009-05-25T15:16:45Z

(originally dated jan. 3, 2008, 11:30 a.m.)

the holidays are over now, and i breathe a huge fuckin' sigh of relief. i am broke, and currently on vacation from my low ass job. since my fatty status is at the helm of my mind, it's the first thing i want to resolve in the year 2008. i feel gross and ugly this way. i'm sorry, but everyone who is obese or fat and claims to be fine with it, is full of crap and probably needs a right enema. liars, liars, all of them. it's just a way to rationalize their fatness, their powerlessness to lose the extra weight. i'm not saying it's easy, but if you're proactive and making changes in your lifestyle, it'll make you feel that much better about yourself. healthy eating doesn't have to be expensive!

anyhow. happy new year everyone.

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ms. fatty

2009-05-25T15:15:33Z

(originally dated dec. 18, 2007, 5:54 a.m.)

I am officially a fatty. I have never been this fat before in my life. Granted, I am on my period right now so am bloated, but I am still fat. OK, chubby is more fitting. My stomach! I remember my flat stomach back in my college days. Why don't I still have it?? whine, whine.

I've told myself a zillion times to get off my ass and get into kickboxing. It just hasn't happened yet. As a New Year's resolution (which I never make, btw), I think it would work. I just need to find a class somewhere.

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hell-ay

2009-05-25T15:14:24Z

(originally dated dec. 16, 2007, 8:01 p.m.)

i live in los angeles. although i'm a native, i'm still awed by its lazy, bragging sprawl and its dirtiness and its choking smog that laces its brown face on the horizon. yet, at night, when i drive, i'm always struck by its concrete beauty, the way the buildings jut up into the skyline and shine its lights from above. i was driving through boyle heights tonight and passed graffiti-defaced railroad boxes and apartment buildings and then a crumpled up motorcycle by the side of the center divide on the 101. a fire truck was parked next to it, but there was no body. that lane was closed, and everyone became a gawker, brake lights going on and off. it's easy here, to be a gawker, even when you're a native. you are always surprised by the city's antics, the shard of fear that slices through you when you witness such scenes.

life and death happen so easily in los angeles.

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who, me? you wanna hang out with me?

2009-05-25T15:12:30Z

(originally dated dec. 14, 2007, 10:42 p.m.)

it's the end of a rather long week. we had our christmas party this afternoon, on work premises. still, i managed to be my silly, just a bit sordid self and got my coworkers laughing their asses off. one said to me, "I've gotta hang around with you!" i took that as a compliment. i think i could be good friends with him. the food was ok, just average. there was loafcake to be had, and i think today was the first time i ever ate it. it was a bit too dry for my taste, but edible. not bad.

we now have a new employee on our team. she seems nice enough, but sat opposite us at the party. i don't think she will try that hard to be part of our team, which is too bad because i think we are a pretty damn cool lot. but that shouldn't matter, because it's all about the work, anyway, and she's proving to be a fast and furious worker, quite capable and sharp. this makes me feel slow and wooden and quite self conscious. she's also pretty, except for her haircut. i want to not like her, but i can't help giving into my womanly pettiness and jealousy. it's hard because i really try not to compare myself to other women, because i think i'm pretty damn cool just the way i am, ya know? my favorite thing is making people laugh, i love when they laugh at my jokes and silliness. and i hope they like my smile when I laugh. i dunno. i'm not that bad. i could be speedier at work, but i think i have latched onto a pace that i am now comfortable with and if they demand more from me then i will likely chafe at it.

oh well. we can't have everything be perfect, can we?

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it ain't quite the way they say

2009-05-25T15:10:24Z

(originally dated: nov. 6, 2007, 5:48 a.m.)

now the mornings are darker when i wake up. and the air is noticeably chillier. i must start wearing my sweaters again.

my coworker quit last week so the boss placed an ad online, touting our "great salary and benefits." i laughed. and laughed. it's hardly a living wage for living in los angeles. the rents are high here, but they don't seem to care. the office is full of older employees who have been there for 20 years, easy.

today is tuesday. maybe it'll be a better day than yesterday. maybe something miraculous will happen.

maybe i should play the lottery. no, i should DEFINITELY play the lottery.

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what am i doing here?

2009-05-05T01:49:48Z

honestly, i don't know why i'm here. got a free invite code. dunno what i plan to do with this space, but at the moment i can tell you that i am listening to big joe turner's "shake, rattle and roll" and wondering why the cymbalta i'm taking isn't as effective as it used to be.

i still have to pick up my prescription for the klonopin i tricked my psychiatrist into prescribing for me. she warned me it might make me sleepy, but i already am. not going to make much difference. i just want to get out of my skin for a while.

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