flora's musings on whatever lies beneath the sun

(originally dated mon., sept. 1, 2008, 9:39 a.m.)

i continue to be fat. i still fit in my size 12 pants that i wear for work, and have not gone up any sizes, but they are a bit snug around the ass though a bit loose in the waist. (i'm a pear, suitable for eating).

i am sick of summer. it's coming to a close, though, and hopefully will find me feeling much better, with trying an antidepressant for the first time in my life. i've been in denial for far too long about my depression (which i've self diagnosed as dysthymia) and i'm not getting any younger and i just want to feel better. that's all. if i feel better, i wouldn't be so fat. i know this.

the city of los angeles is going mad. i blame it on the economy. there have been robberies on my street. the sneaky asses pretended to be moving, when really they were robbing three apartments next to each other. in broad daylight. no one suspected anything because people move in and out on this street all the time. all of the apartments on this street are month to month leases. this area is becoming ghettoized.

i don't feel safe anymore.

(originally dated jan. 3, 2008, 11:30 a.m.)

the holidays are over now, and i breathe a huge fuckin' sigh of relief. i am broke, and currently on vacation from my low ass job. since my fatty status is at the helm of my mind, it's the first thing i want to resolve in the year 2008. i feel gross and ugly this way. i'm sorry, but everyone who is obese or fat and claims to be fine with it, is full of crap and probably needs a right enema. liars, liars, all of them. it's just a way to rationalize their fatness, their powerlessness to lose the extra weight. i'm not saying it's easy, but if you're proactive and making changes in your lifestyle, it'll make you feel that much better about yourself. healthy eating doesn't have to be expensive!

anyhow. happy new year everyone.