flora's musings on whatever lies beneath the sun

(originally dated dec. 14, 2007, 10:42 p.m.)

it's the end of a rather long week. we had our christmas party this afternoon, on work premises. still, i managed to be my silly, just a bit sordid self and got my coworkers laughing their asses off. one said to me, "I've gotta hang around with you!" i took that as a compliment. i think i could be good friends with him. the food was ok, just average. there was loafcake to be had, and i think today was the first time i ever ate it. it was a bit too dry for my taste, but edible. not bad.

we now have a new employee on our team. she seems nice enough, but sat opposite us at the party. i don't think she will try that hard to be part of our team, which is too bad because i think we are a pretty damn cool lot. but that shouldn't matter, because it's all about the work, anyway, and she's proving to be a fast and furious worker, quite capable and sharp. this makes me feel slow and wooden and quite self conscious. she's also pretty, except for her haircut. i want to not like her, but i can't help giving into my womanly pettiness and jealousy. it's hard because i really try not to compare myself to other women, because i think i'm pretty damn cool just the way i am, ya know? my favorite thing is making people laugh, i love when they laugh at my jokes and silliness. and i hope they like my smile when I laugh. i dunno. i'm not that bad. i could be speedier at work, but i think i have latched onto a pace that i am now comfortable with and if they demand more from me then i will likely chafe at it.

oh well. we can't have everything be perfect, can we?

Where to start?

Thursday's therapy session: quite beneficial. Talked about work, mostly, and how I'm feeling in a rut, there are no set deadlines for when to send reports final, da boss doesn't clarify certain points, even though I ask (but don't follow up), how working from home is lonely sometimes so I try to meet up with people during the day, etc. etc. And oh yes, the single most important gripe of all: that the transcribers ultimately finalized our "style sheet," never mind that THEY aren't the editors and they don't have to worry about that. Just transcribe, that's YOUR job. Leave the editorial stuff up to me. But ohhh no. Even with the AP Stylebook and the dictionary as my most sturdy defenses, I didn't win out. How, how, HOW is that possible? *deep breath*

After telling the head shrinker all of this, she says "it sounds like you don't feel important enough." Errr? Umm. I suppose that's true. I always feel like I have to prime myself for battle in order to get what I want and need from people, work wise, I mean. This is why I want to work from home, so I don't need to deal with people's shit. But it's still there, as it always is. I try not to let it affect me personally, because they don't know me and I am just a functioning robot to them. I suppose the whole idea of that bothers me, because people need encouragement and praise every now and then. But this is the society we create, so we better learn to live with it.

And shit, I get a pay check. A fairly good one, so ultimately, that's all that matters. I know. I know I still live in a sorta ghetto apartment, but I'll be out of here by year's end! Seriously!

I need my coffee now. The chill in the air is a clear sign that autumn is ready to come out and play. It feels like winter (in Cali, anyway), but what the hell.

I'll be back later.